Redefining Conflict
At The Equity Lab, we continuously reflect on the programming we use to support leaders and organizations. During this phase of our programmatic work, I began noticing the negative connotation that conflict has on so many people’s definitions of dialoguing, confronting, and gaining clarity from the people that they work with. I have to also mention that conflict is something that I used to embrace, but as I began my professional career, I was constantly reminded to stop showing it, that I was being too “aggressive” and “combative” and that all conflict should be handled one-on-one versus in group settings. As we are engaging with organizations currently, I always question how vulnerability, authenticity, inclusion, and belonging are supposed to happen if we suppress people’s voices in naming conflict. In my current state as a facilitator, conflict needs to be at the forefront of change in the evolution of organizations. You cannot have a performative language of norms and aspirational ways of being without confronting conflict head on. At this moment, we, as the engagements team at TEL, think that conflict is at the root of creating something new and experimenting with what authenticity, belonging, and inclusion practices can actually mean for your organization.
Embracing Productive Conflict
Recently, I was exposed to this set of norms from Kazu Haga, who is the founder of East Point Academy and offers this set of Fierce Vulnerabilities:
Fierce Vulnerability Considerations
Offered by Kazu Haga
Conflict is the spirit of the relationship asking itself to deepen. We will look at conflicts that surface as an opportunity to deepen in relationship, not to divide community. (Malidoma Some)
If we knew how to be free, we’d be there already. None of us know how to do this right. We are all trying to figure it out together. (Aaron Goggins)
We have the right to be raggedy. We are going to mess up, and its ok.
Our power lies in our defenselessness. When we feel we have nothing that we need to defend is when we are our most powerful. We value transparency over security. We lead with honesty and trust that people will hear, see, and witness us in our full humanity. (Bonnie Willis)
We ask questions with curiosity, not an intent to critique. We ask with the intention of knowing more, not with the intention to prove someone wrong.
Safe space vs. Brave space. Real safety doesn’t guarantee that we will not be uncomfortable. Real safety means that we create spaces that are safe enough to have brave and often times difficult conversations, knowing that our relationship will only be strengthened by them.
From Woke to Awakening. “Awakening” is a process, not a destination or a competition.
Compassion for people’s ignorance. We are all continuing to learn, continuing to struggle our way out of ignorance. Ignorance is simply an opportunity to learn. (Kaira Jewel Lingo)
One sentence can never capture the complexity of our world. Hold the complex, non-dual nature of our world, and acknowledge that two conflicting truths can both be 100% true.
Hold accountability as an act of love. Think of “hold” as the critical word, not “accountability.” We want to hold each other and create space for our growth. (Kazu Haga)
This is a healing place, though healing may not occur here. (6) We can find healing any time, any place. But we acknowledge that healing from trauma is a long, intense and sacred process, and our intent in this space is not to open up and heal our deepest wounds. (East Bay Transformative Justice Collective)
At The Equity Lab, we have been experimenting with what productive conflict means for us personally and how we set up practices for leaders in organizations to grapple with these concepts. Using Fierce Vulnerabilities by Kazu Haga supports understanding conflict and vulnerability while grappling with your core beliefs as a human and professional. We hope it begins to illuminate how we have been socialized to be conflict-averse as people. Through my own internal work, I have been redefining what conflict means to me, how I articulate that to folks in my own conversations and relationships, and how I begin experimenting with new ways of deepening relationships. I offer the following considerations for how you can tackle this work both individually and collectively:
The Equity Lab Conflict Considerations
Define your relationship to conflict: At the core, we have been conditioned to believe that conflict is negative. Any time we bring up the term conflict, people quickly go to fight or flight as a form of protection. Start to interrogate what you define as conflict. For me, I am noticing that any time I need clarity in understanding what someone means in their words and actions, that is an initial layer of conflict that is productive. If I leave any conversation or space without that clarity in how I am supposed to show up or what I am responsible for, then now I am creating assumptions about my relationship to folks and to work I need to do.
Tap into your bravery: Any time you start to tell a story, have a conversation!Experiment Together: You as a group are experimenting with what conflict means because there is no playbook or framework that will make you “perfect” at conflict. Conflict is supposed to make you feel uncomfortable as you are revealing things about the mirror work you have to accomplish, as well as how to deepen relationships and values in your organizations. Create new protocols, frame conversations on what you are working on, and ask for feedback on how clear you were in your messaging and intentions.
Tap into vulnerability: Our executive director, Michelle Molitor, always says: “I am saying this in first draft” as she processes and reflects in the moment. Embrace those first draft moments to process what you are hearing, to ask for clarity on what someone says, and to put your thoughts and feelings out there more so more folks can do the same. We cannot compartmentalize our humanity!Name and Codify Trust: We have been supporting organizations in creating trust frameworks to name the behaviors and norms that they aspire to uphold. The next phase is seeing the gaps between those aspirational norms and bringing them into light to reflect and enhance what you were actually looking for. This is co-constructed in real time and will need constant revision as groups begin to create what these mean.
Tap into accountability: Do not just put words down and believe people will follow them. If productive conflict is a norm you want to have, then it will be messy, it will be full of misunderstandings, and more clarity will arise because groups are having the necessary conversations and generative debates that support learning about each other. Hold everyone accountable for these aspirational ways of being and bring in the deeper conversations of what these characteristics mean so that everyone knows how they are supposed to show up.Bring up the past: Productive conflict also means you bring up past harm that has been caused in order to learn as a collective what everyone experienced and pressure test your new aspirational ways of being. As the leaders of the organization, you need to be transparent of what occurred in the past, what you learned and unlearned from that experience, and what you are currently doing to move the organization forward. By being transparent about your organizational story, you model vulnerability by acknowledging the evolutionary phases of who you are. The more you grapple with who you were, who you currently are, and where you want to go, the more alignment, clarity, and commitment you have towards collective accountability.
Tap into healing: There is no perfection in this journey, and when we see organizational leaders tap into the power of storytelling of how they are continuously learning and unlearning, your staff can gravitate towards aspirational concepts of vulnerability, authenticity, and accountability. You have to model it constantly, though: People are looking for how these values are modeled, and this is the moment where leaders need to experiment unapologetically.
I am sure as some of you read this, you already had conflict with the concept of conflict. Conflict happens all around us in so many moments in the day. We at the Equity Lab are committed to supporting folks in tapping into conflict to disrupt these societal patterns that have kept us disconnected from each other. We have been conditioned to believe that conflict can only happen when trust has been established. However, everyone has a different definition of trust, and we will never get to collective trust because we have been conditioned to trust no one in a society that extracts, exploits, and collectively harms. I would rather embrace conflict as a way to gain clarity in beliefs, in intentions, and alignment to values of humanity, empathy, and belonging. I hope this supports having more conversations with yourself and others.
If you want to know more about the support for exploring the four steps above in reimagining your organization or our programming, please reach out to our engagements team. Also, stay tuned for Kazu Haga’s upcoming book Fierce Vulnerability.
Dr. Mario Echeverria (he/him/él) is the Director of Engagements for The Equity Lab. He directly supports organizational culture work through client engagements and coaching.